Imbalance

I read this quote recently in a book given to me by my mother-in-law:

"How do you know when God is at the center of your life? When God's at the center, you worship. When he's not, you worry. Worry is the warning light that God has been shoved to the sideline. The moment you put him back at the center, you will have peace again."

Wow. This hit me pretty hard. I am a Christian, but I am also a worrier - but not just any old worrier. I worry VERY easily to the point where I make myself physically ill. I think this is telling me that I need to make my relationship with God more of a priority in my life than I have been. I admit that too frequently I am so busy and frustrated with my life that I don't make the time for God that I should. Well I have decided to make more of a commitment to strengthening my faith and allowing myself to rely on God instead of trying to carry all of my burdens on my own.

One thing I know I need God to help me with is defining and gaining control over my life. Lately my job has truly been consuming me to the point where it makes me either very sad or very angry. Don't get me wrong, I love helping animals, but it is SO mentally and emotionally draining to the point where it becomes physically draining as well. In addition, when you make a particular job your life's ambition and spend YEARS busting your ass to get there, it is hard to not be defined by the job. Sue and I were talking the other day about how SO many veterinarians ARE defined by there job; and how being a veterinarian is foremost who they are. It is hard to not allow this to happen, especially when there is so much mentally and emotionally invested in the job. The fact is, I REFUSE to allow this to happen to me. Although I spent my whole life working towards being a veterinarian, it is my JOB, NOT WHO I AM. I want to be first and foremost a loving wife, mother to my animals, loyal friend, and a PERSON. However, it has been very hard to do this when it seems like my life is forced to revolve around my job, and not the other way around. I definitely don't have nearly as much time for myself or my husband than I thought I would, yet I am stuck and can't try and change my schedule because I'm sure my boss would be against me. Basically I am stuck at a clinic that although has certain doctors I love, is just not the right place for me; and being stuck has made me angry and sad. Angry because I was naive enough to be lied to in my interview by my boss and not be able to see right through it - and then not speak up and defend myself when I started working and realized I was lied to. Sad because I have no other choice but to stay here until Steve graduates from Central. I need God SO badly right now because I don't WANT to be angry and sad, I want to be HAPPY. I am grateful to have found such a good friend in Sue, which makes things better :) I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful marriage and this is supposed to be the start of our life together, and in the quality time we do have together I don't want to be upset. I need Him to help me to find good in my situation and to help me accept it instead of fight it. I need Him to help me use this time to prepare me for the future - make me the best doctor I can be so I'll be able to get that dream job in the future. And I KNOW its out there, because I have seen and heard of examples of great job situations. Here is one: Sue told me about a veterinarian friend of hers who is working at a clinic in Ann Arbor. She works ~3-4 days a week and gets paid ~$100,000 per year. AND she has good benefits. She is happy and has more than enough time for herself and her family. I saw a job offer for a veterinarian on the internet the other day (can't remember the clinic name but it was in MI) that entailed a 4 day work week and NO weekend hours (the clinic is actually closed on weekends). I pray that I can find something like this when Steve is done with school and we move to where he finds a job he will love. I NEED a TRUE balance between work and "life" in order for me to be truly happy - that is SO imperative and important to me and I am just not getting it now.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.