Thoughts and Confusion

This evening Steve and I went to Cold Stone because I was craving ice cream and although my birthday isn't until tomorrow, we decided to do the ice cream thing tonight. When we got there, the line was out the door (about an hour long) full of kids that had been in a soccer tournament today. In a huff, I went to the Starbucks next door instead because there was no way I had an hour to waste in line waiting for ice cream. So much to do tonight, so little time. Then I realized that those little kids probably have no concept of time and the importance of it. Lately a lot has been going on in my life and over and over I wish for an easier life and get jealous of people that seem to have it. I would love nothing more than to have a 9 to 5 job with no weekends or holidays, which in my profession will probably never happen. I am quickly learning why so many vets have quit private practice because they are just burnt out. I have only been in my job for 7 weeks now and I am feeling burn out already. Its funny how I waited my whole life to get to this point and now somehow I seem to question it sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love being a veterinarian and I adore my patients. I know I would feel completely lost in any other career. But I just don't get why it has to be so demanding all the time and the hours so long. My boss has really been pushing me over the edge lately and it is getting very frustrating to the point where I feel sick to my stomach whenever she is around. Every one of the other doctors tells me constantly what a great job I'm doing but for her its never enough. Also, I once a month get stuck doing weekend duty (thats what I get for being the low person on the totem pole) which means that every other Saturday I work, I also have to come in Saturday night, Sunday morning and Sunday night to take care of any in-hospital patients and check on the boarders. This is a lot more work than it seems and prevents me from making any plans at all that weekend, and by Monday I am exhausted instead of rejuvinated. Mind you I get NO extra time off during the week when I have to do the weekend duty either. Thank God that this is only every 4th weekend (since I get every other weekend off).
There have definitely been tears shed lately because I really want to know why God brought me to Midland and to this clinic. It just doesn't seem right that in my first job I should have to be putting up with the shit I am with my boss. I love Sue and Janet to death and Tammy is wonderful too. I wonder if they are the reason I am here, so I can learn from them. They are always willing to take time out and help and encourage me, even when they are really busy. They are such wonderful veterinarians too and I learn so much from them, especially Sue. I was just hoping that my first job would be the one I would stay in forever but I guess that was really naive thinking on my part. Plus, if Steve really wants to end up doing graphics for a video game company or Pixar, then we will not only have to eventually move out of Midland but also out of Michigan.
There was an article that Sue and I read in DVM magazine during our lunch on Friday about how the most frustrating thing to veterinarians everywhere is the lack of balance between work and family, and how thousands of vets would do anything to work less and spend more time with their husbands/wives and children. We talked a lot about how we both struggle with this every day and how we wonder if it will ever change. We hung the article on Connie's board I guess with the faint hope that maybe it would help, but we both doubt it will.
I hate how I always compare myself to others and if I think they have it easier than me I get jealous and wish my life was more like theirs. For so long I have longed for an easier life and although my life now is a LOT better than it was in vet school, it is definitely harder out in "the real world" than I thought it would be. I find myself constantly wishing I had it easy for a change. But at the same time if I had the option to trade lives with someone else who had it easier, there is no way I would do it. I would never give up having Steve and my family and friends in my life. I could never give up being married to my true soulmate and being able to come home to him and love him wholeheartedly every day. I would never give up the wonderful family I have that have always supported me and loved me unconditionally, or the friends that have been there for me every moment even when I am being dumb or crazy. And I can't forget the bunnies and cat in my life that I love dearly. I thank God every day for all the people in my life that I am blessed to know and love.
Also, if I was able to leave the clinic I am at for one with better hours, I would miss Sue and Janet so much that it would break my heart. I definitely feel that I can call them my friends and I enjoy seeing them every day and talking to them about anything on my mind because they are wonderful people who have earned my respect and trust. I wonder if it will ever be possible to have what I would consider a better existence without having to give up the blessings I am grateful to have.

Unrelated things......
We went to Grand Blanc today to see Janet's shelties run in an agility competition. What an amazing thing to watch. I absolutely loved watching all the dogs run the agility course - what a wonderful way for the dogs to exert their energy and its obvious how much they enjoy doing it! I have decided when Steve and I eventually get our little pug I am going to do agility training with it :) I also have really developed a love for Shelties because of Janet. They are so smart and her dogs are just wonderful and I love them dearly. Shelties are the coolest non-smashed faced dogs in my book! :)
Steve starts Central tomorrow. I'm going to miss not having him home at lunch anymore but am excited for him - he's starting the last leg of a long journey to become a graphic designer with a bachelor's degree. I'm so proud of him :)